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Dustin Putman

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Jersey Shore Massacre  (2014)
2 Stars
Directed by Paul Tarnopol.
Cast: Danielle Dallacco, Angelica Boccella, Giovanni Roselli, Chris Lazzaro, Nicole Rutigliano, Ashley Mitchell, Christina Scaglione, Brenton Duplessie, Brett Azar, John Michael Hastie, Leonarda Bosch, Bigfoot, Richard Christy, Shawn C. Phillips, Fedor Steer, Ron Jeremy.
2014 – 88 minutes
Rated: Rated R (for graphic bloody violence, sexual content, nudity, language and brief drug material).
Reviewed by Dustin Putman, August 25, 2014.
"Jersey Shore Massacre" credits original "Jersey Shore" cast member Jenni 'JWoww' Farley as one of its executive producers, but otherwise shares no substantial connection to the former MTV reality show. Considering that the bulk of the film is set in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey and no actual massacre occurs in its title location, the film's name is little more than a marketing ploy. Thus far, all signs point to disaster, but for an obviously low-budget slasher-comedy the movie proper is not without its satiric amusements. Writer-director Paul Tarnopol knows he is making a ridiculous film, one that revels in the stereotypes of Italian-American "guidos and guidettes" while guiding them directly into the path of a psycho killer. The least interesting part, coincidentally, is the standard stalk-and-slash element.

Beauticians Teresa (Danielle Dallacco) and Dina (Angelica Boccella) are headed to the Jersey Shore for a weekend of fun and sun with friends. When they lose their beach house rental due to a scheduling snafu, Teresa suggests they head up to her Uncle Tito's unoccupied country house in the Pine Barrens. It is here where the gals—and the toned, slick-haired dudes they pick up at a nightclub—become the targets of a knife-wielding madman in a Jersey Devil mask. There really isn't much more to the story than this, and yes, it does feel padded at 88 minutes.

When an oddball neighbor (Bigfoot) shows up with a plate of sausage to offer the girls, one of them informs him they don't eat meat. "Yeah," chimes in Gigi (Christina Scaglione), "we're all veterinarians!" As one might imagine, "Jersey Shore Massacre" does not take itself too seriously, and it cannot be a mere oversight that the ladies are glimpsed a few scenes later gleefully chowing down on corndogs. When the killer pops up midway through to start doing away with the cast, the acerbically quick one-liners fall to the wayside in place of standard stalking and slashing targeting people not likable enough to care whether they live or die. Distinctly unimaginative in its third act but competently made nonetheless, "Jersey Shore Massacre" should divert viewers under the right circumstances (e.g., hanging out with friends over pizza and booze on a Friday night). Otherwise, this is pretty disposable fare that doesn't take full advantage of its over-the-top characters or the Jersey Devil lore with which it flirts.
© 2014 by Dustin Putman
Dustin Putman